professor’s suggestion:
1. The thesis/impact statement of the paper was clear and effective as it gave me a clear idea
of what the paper was about but not too much of the method the writer will use as it doesn’t indicate any argument but seems to be more of an explanatory
on the importance of circumcision. Other than the thesis statement being clear though, the introduction
paragraph, when read, feels like it has one primary focus split into two ideas and doesn’t offer more than just the two ideas.
2. A major weakness of the paper is that the body materials have trouble relating to the thesis statement. This then causes confusion of what the thesis
statement truly is as the first two body paragraphs speak about the significance of circumcision in the early days for the Jewish and the Greek but then has a
weak transition to how the Jewish male submits himself to God through circumcision. Honestly, reading through the paper it sounds like the writer had
changed their mind on the content to include midway and just kept going in a direction away from the thesis statement. There is a good amount of grammar
mistakes throughout the paper but something that really confused me was the “Prell 90” quote used to elaborate on the distinction between males and
females caused by circumcision as I feel that the quote has nothing to do with the gender distinction. I would honestly suggest a revision of the thesis
statement to help it align with the paper better unless the writer chooses to revise their body paragraphs to align to the thesis statement. Also, the writer
takes up the paper using paragraph spacing to make up for the
lack of content in the paragraphs.
3.One suggestion I have that will help the writer polish the project and make it more convincing and readable is work on the organization of your thoughts
and to use better word usage to make the thesis into an argumentative statemen that you can argue for. I am not saying to aggressively argue for the Jewish
over Greek traditions but it would be helpful to pick a side and run with it and use the other as a counterargument to satisfy the argumentative paper
structure. Also, work on transition sentences, especially the conclusions, to help the paper flow better as it becomes difficult to read towards the end. Overall,
there is improvement that can be done and once again try to stick to your
argument but that would require you to create one first